While I truly hate that expression…sometimes it is the only expression that fits the situation.
This morning one of those times. While I try to be upbeat and positive when blogging, there are times when things are just not upbeat and positive.
Yesterday was a really good day. At choretime we found a healthy set of twins up and looking for their breakfast. We had a good response to our weekly sales newsletter; we had lunch with friends and got a load of some awesome looking hay. Life was feeling pretty good.
This morning, when I walked in the barn, a bunch of ewes were in the wrong place. No problem, just an annoyance. Sheep that have a propensity for eating catfood are just a nuisance.
But, when I went to the jug to check on mama-sheep, the beautiful healthy ram lamb born yesterday was dead. Nothing seemed amiss. The only ram lamb so far…and he was beautiful. He was just stone-cold dead. I admit, I screamed…and then, I cussed and threw things.
I hate death. I just hate it. Especially when it is unexpected and unexplainable. I feel like I have lost a battle, or I have failed somehow. It calls to mind the episode of M*A*S*H where Hawkeye has a patient die on the table and he keeps pumping and pumping while saying “don’t let the bastard win”. He just couldn’t stop. The other doctors had to step in to get him to realize and accept the situation. In many ways I have identified with Hawkeye’s character. That line almost always runs through my head as I hope against hope that my diagnosis of death is wrong.
Invariably, the cycle of questions swirls through my head. The woulda, coulda, shoulda, what ifs, and whys threaten to overwhelm. Just as invariably, the Boss calmly states, “don’t beat yourself up about this one”. The swirl of questions and the feeling of helplessness reinforce the notion that there is probably more crap between my ears than there is in the barn. It’s frustrating that I have to deal with “baggage” as well as the current situation.
But, the knowledge that life goes on, there are many other things dependent upon my care and effort, cause me to take control of my emotions and mental wranglings and focus on the positive again.
It also doesn’t hurt to crank the tunes and sing along with Montgomery Gentry…
“That’s all right…I’m okay….it ain’t nothin’ but another day!”