Good-bye 2016! |
Now that the Market is finally over…and the year is drawing to a close…I can say this out loud.
2016 was not a good year.
2016 was not a good year.
Not for us. Not for anyone. I haven’t talked to a single
soul who would argue with me over that statement. Although I have been hard
pressed to figure out exactly why it was so hard for so many people.
But,
But,
Thank God it’s over.
I have never been so glad to see the end of something in my
life!
For the first time ever, I really didn’t know if we could do
it. And quite honestly, I didn’t know if I wanted to…or even cared… And, it didn't seem like anyone else cared, either.
This year was flat out hard…grinding and relentless in its demands. While we made it through, there was no sense of accomplishment, no feelings of success.
Ordinarily at the end of the Market season, there is a sense of achievement and accomplishment.
Growing produce is a challenge. Direct Marketing is a challenge. But, we are quite good at both. And, we’re up for the challenge, we find it enjoyable and profitable, ordinarily. We generally spend the last few days of the year reviewing the past 12 months and giving thanks for the successes.
Ordinarily at the end of the Market season, there is a sense of achievement and accomplishment.
Growing produce is a challenge. Direct Marketing is a challenge. But, we are quite good at both. And, we’re up for the challenge, we find it enjoyable and profitable, ordinarily. We generally spend the last few days of the year reviewing the past 12 months and giving thanks for the successes.
But, this was no ordinary year. The end of the season had us feeling more than a little weary and worn. Joy and profitability were hard to find.
Although, I must say…our 2016 didn’t begin to compare with the
horrific, tragic losses that I know others experienced. And, it didn’t count as
one of our own "worst years". So, I feel bad in a way for even mentioning our
struggles.
Because it wasn’t dealing with the complete brokenness of
our hearts and dreams as we attempted to re-invent our life and make the farm
a working entity, starting with a small bit of bare and barren landscape. (that
would have been 1997) It wasn’t endless worry and stumbling to find our way as we began
our tenure as market vendors (’98), and it certainly wasn’t the fear, stress,
heartache and countless trips to the hospital after a drunken driver very
nearly snatched our eldest daughter from us. (2010 was definitely the hardest
year for the entire extended family) Looking back, I honestly don’t know how we
made it through those years. I really don’t. And, while this year wasn’t quite like
that, it was still difficult and all too often down-right discouraging.
But, no one really wants to hear you’re having a hard time.
When someone asks you “how’s it going?” they really don’t want to hear bad
news. When they ask if it’s a good growing year, they want the affirmative, not
a laundry list of challenges in the garden.
By the mere mention of the negative, you have broken some
sort of conversational taboo. I was taught long ago that “how ya doin’?” should
be always answered with a cheery FINE and a smile. Nothing more, nothing less.
Those customers really just want their lettuce or eggs (or whatever), they
don’t want to feel compelled to offer free counselling. More than once I’ve heard
“you’re livin’ the dream, man”! It is expected that as
entrepreneurs/farmers/vendors we should be happy, carefree and ceaselessly
enthusiastic.
And, when that is not the case, it adds to the stress. It
feels like failure. It seems like you’re whining. Things certainly can’t be all
that bad...even when they are.
When you live where you work, you can never escape. Every
time you walk outside, go to the barn, or down the hall, you see all the undone
work, every uncompleted task calls your name. Those animals or crops that are
not thriving serve as a reminder of your failings. It also seems that when things start into a
downward spiral, everything gets caught in the swirling mess that seems to be
circling the drain. Giving up seems a very real option.
Yep, it was a hard season.
So, the end of the season brought no real sense of
accomplishment, but rather a huge sigh of relief that it was finally over and
that we were still somewhat intact as we dragged ourselves through to the end
of the market. Which, despite the dismal sound, is truly a positive as I honestly
had some serious doubts about our actual survival during the season.
But, if it wasn’t actually one of the worst years, what WAS
the problem? Have we just grown weary after nearly twenty years of the same
old, same old? Are WE just getting old? Do we need a break, a change? Maybe
we’d just reached the end? The endless mental wranglings didn’t do much for my
outlook. But, we needed to know so we didn't have to repeat the experience.
There were shifts in the Market that were concerning. The entire
atmosphere of the Market seemed off somehow and other vendors noticed it as
well. Customers were different. Buying patterns had changed. Early in the
season, at least THREE people brought us the same article from the Washington
Post about changes in Farmers Markets. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/food/for-some-growers-farmers-markets-just-arent-what-they-used-to-be/2016/06/21/c5d93644-3271-11e6-8758-d58e76e11b12_story.html?utm_term=.c2e117d300a4
They wondered about our Market. And, honestly, we had already talked about these shifts
in shopping. (more about this article/trend some other time). There was a sense
of foreboding, worry and general unrest that cannot be completely attributed to
the acrimonious election cycle (although, I can assure you that did nothing to
quell any concerns or improve the atmosphere…and I have some serious concerns
about the future). The weather patterns were weird and caused new and different
issues.
The work that is usually pleasurable, the interaction that
is generally a joy, the routine that while predictable and somewhat monotonous
also grants comfort to our lives… all became a gigantic pain in the neck.
And, I mean that quite literally...as well as figuratively.
Because, that is probably where this all began.
With an actual
pain in the neck.
During mid-winter the Boss contracted one of those “things”
that was going around. It hung on and made him miserable. When he finally went
to the doc, the prescription cleared up the infection, but left him still
battling a pain in his neck.
It dragged on for what seemed like FOREVER until he made an
appointment with a specialist to check out what had a slight potential to be a
very scary issue. However, doctor’s appointments never happen instantaneously
and another prolonged period of waiting ensued. All this time we tried to keep
up with the jobs at hand, but when half the workforce doesn’t feel well, work
slows down considerably. Between the worry and the discomfort, he really wasn’t
a barrel of laughs either, dramatically affecting my own outlook and
productivity.
But, somehow we endured. We even got most of our work done.
Most, not all. But, it was hard. Our sense of purpose and joy was thwarted, if
not altogether lost.
Long story, short. Several tests, a new prescription, (after
much more waiting) he was feeling better. YAY!
However, by that point, I was afflicted with my own pain in
the neck…(and you thought I was exaggerating) It had taken nearly six months to
get my back injury from Thanksgiving completely healed and I was just thinking
how nice it was to be pain-free…
So, my next little mishap added insult to injury…
I have never been known for being graceful and sure-footed,
but I outdid myself this time. After watering the greenhouse, I went to put
away the hose and found myself inextricably tangled. In my vain attempt to extricate myself, I
tripped, caught my bootlace on the big metal watering can, and got my foot
stuck inside (yes, IN the watering can. NO, I'm not kidding, nor do I have any idea how that happened). Wild contortions
followed as I lost my balance and struggled to keep from falling on my face. My efforts were
completely unsuccessful and I landed with a thud in the middle of the backyard,
as the watering can suddenly released my foot and the metal font landed on the
back of my leg, leaving a large
crescent shaped bruise. At first I didn’t think I had injured myself (aside
from the bruise that was growing larger by the minute), and all I could think
was how that performance would have made me a "star" on America’s Funniest Videos
and poor T-bone missed the video chance of a lifetime.
But, it didn’t feel very funny when I got up to walk. And by
the next morning the pain in my neck had crossed from nuisance to excruciating.
Ibuprofen, ice, all the old standbys were completely ineffective.
I realized I probably had whiplash in addition to my bruises
and sore hands. My neck was incredibly sore and tight and my lower back had
been twisted oddly. So, I guess I pulled a back muscle, maybe I tore something. Whatever. All that mattered was I hurt all
over and every step was a challenge. The painful reality far outweighed any
humor in the situation.
As proof of that whole “head bone connected to the neck
bone....” extending my arm was excruciating. The muscle running up the
side/back of my neck hurt all the time. Any movement made it worse.
Harvest involves a lot of reaching and pinching. So, picking
(anything) became a serious PAIN IN THE NECK. Gardening was miserable. Walking
had to be kept to a minimum. Even sitting at my desk hurt. And, forget any
attempts to work on writing projects... You know it’s bad when you can’t even
waste time on the internet without pain.
But, there were no outward signs. And, I was certain that
any medical attention would include the words “rest” and the advice to “take it
easy”. I tried to envision a trip to the
doctor...”you see, I fell over the hose and I think I have whiplash...” The
mental picture was a more than a little amusing, but it hurt far too much to
laugh.
However, the show must go on. We don’t have sick days or
vacation. If we don’t do it, it simply does not get done. No work means no
product. And, since the Boss wasn’t at 100%, he couldn’t pick up my slack. So, I
did what I could before the pain had me trudging back to my icepack for relief.
I kept thinking it would get better…
But, that couldn’t happen without REST and rest is an unheard-of
luxury in the midst of the summer season. So we soldiered on, each enduring our
own pain.
Some days it hurt to even breathe and I began to hate
Fridays. Quite honestly, didn’t care if I ever saw another leaf of lettuce. And,
I was becoming resentful of those customers who seemed to demand a steady
supply of greens. (and I felt bad about this…really bad…but I certainly
couldn’t tell them the whole sad tale)
After MONTHS of chiropractic visits I finally put most of
the pain behind me. Notice I did say most…too much exertion and I was back
looking for my icepacks. Recovery was slow at best and setbacks were recurrent. According to the chiropractor, there’s some sort of age-related degeneration in my neck meaning complete recovery is impossible and the threat
of re-injury is a very real possibility.
Getting old just ain’t for sissies.
An episode of chronic pain does weird things to your psyche.
You find yourself thinking strange and dark things. You feel compelled to face
options that would have never been considered in the past. All too often it’s
difficult, nearly impossible to feel positive. And, with both of us spending
more time feeling “off” than on this season, the issue was doubly difficult and
super stressful. Which led to more than
a few painful and intense discussions of what the future may look like. Because
being sustainable and staying in this game long-term is all about adjustment
and evolution. It's up to us to make it work.
Part of me would like to claim that 2017 will be a great
year. That we’ll meet the challenges and rise above our circumstances. That this
year we will rock this whole entrepreneur/farm thing like no other. The other
part of me knows that some days it’s all about survival and we must simply take
it as it comes and see what happens next.
So, while other folks are making their resolutions and
declarations for the New Year…I hesitate to make lots of promises and
predictions. Sure, I would like to see us be successful and I can assure you
that we will be giving 2017 our best shot. But, in reality there are just two things I can
say with complete sincerity and utter certainty…
Giving up is not an option. (regardless of any pain(s) in the neck)
and…
we need more ibuprofen!
Happy
New Year, y'all!