There’s a nip in the air. The leaves are starting to turn. It is definitely fall.
When I saw that the forecast included a chance of FROST, I was not so secretly wishing for a heavy, killing frost. One that would finally, once and for all, put the garden out of its misery. Out of my misery. Just go ahead and finish it.
‘cause I’m done.
I am just SO done with this season.
|one last tomato|
This has been one tough growing season (not just for us) and at this point, the end of the Market still seems so distant. Personally, I would just like to call it quits and try a whole new, fresh start next season. This one is just too far gone to salvage.
|most of the garden is sad and gross|
like this tomato
As you are probably aware, the season got off to a rough and rocky start. Read this one. And, while we got beyond that obstacle, and the Boss has healed nicely, we never really regained our momentum.
The weather, with its weird unpredictability, hasn’t helped anything. New plant diseases created unsolved challenges and more than one research project for the off-season. We have confronted issues with the animals never seen before here on the hill. Changing customer patterns at the Market have us stymied. The Boss’ health issues continue to worry at the edges of our minds as we always seem to be waiting for the next scan.
|the butternut squash are rotting|
...from the inside...
|rats continue to be a problem|
this time they ATE the ram marker
somewhere there is a little rat with bright yellow teeth
(and a tummy ache)
|slim pickin's at the Market|
Add to this a couple of ongoing niggling health issues that I haven’t been able to shake, and it is no wonder that I’m simply over the whole thing. The neck/shoulder injury from last spring was exacerbated by each and every movement of my right arm. The weekly lettuce picking was excruciating. When heat, pests and disease became an issue in the hoophouse, there was little incentive to continue. We found ourselves letting things go.
We let a lot of things go…
But, that made the whole situation even more concerning. I began an existential crisis. Maybe I lost my “mojo” completely and I found myself wondering aloud if a complete life change should be considered. That has led to more than one uncomfortable, slightly argumentative discussion with the Boss. But, then, what in the world would we do? ...I mean, this place, this life, defines US.
I haven’t felt good in a long time. A very long time. I’m actually at the point where I can’t remember the last time I did feel good. There was a time when I felt positive and upbeat about all this. I’m certain it wasn’t my a dim and distant memory or a trick of my imagination. (stupid Facebook reminds me of those great times every single day…and that is not helping at all) When it wasn’t a struggle to get through the work day when I could come up with something to write about and it actually felt like we had accomplished something by the end of the week. However. Those days seem long gone.
I’ve just lost it. Whatever it is. Be it my “mojo” or my “joi de vivre”, or my “groove” ...something is sorely lacking. I hurt. I’m tired and grumpy and uninspired. Every single task seems to meet with an insurmountable obstacle. Not only is that depressing to live...it’s even more depressing to write about. Writing is generally my catharsis, my joy, but when every page seems to include “I don’t know.... I just don’t know...” I can’t bring myself type it, let alone hit “publish”. And, I certainly can’t tell our customers, “Lettuce? (greens, whatever) I don’t care about no stinkin’ lettuce (greens, whatever)!” (although, quite honestly, the thought did cross my mind)
So, well...humph...now what?
More than once I sought medical assistance. And more than once I followed advice only to end up in the exact same place. Aggravatingly, I thought I knew what was causing the pain, I just couldn’t find a professional who concurred. Hormones, supplements, tests...and still it continued.
Finally, a new doc. She listened and sent me for a different test.
When I got the results, I nearly cried. Not because it said, “large cyst”. Not because there was a slight possibility that this time I was going to be facing “the big scary”. And, not because she (the doc) was ever so gently trying to prepare me for the likelihood of surgery in my future.
No, the emotion was triggered by the fact that I was right. There was indeed something wrong with me. (the very thing that I supposed from the beginning) It wasn’t all in my head. I wasn’t slacking, and my "mojo" hadn’t been lost completely. I certainly wasn’t doomed to remain a grumpy, old curmudgeon forever. (well, I can hope)
|misty, early morning Mbrk|
|moonrise at sunset|
While farm work here on the hill continues to move at a crawl, I had what may have been a life-changing appointment. This week I met with the surgeon who will remove the offending cyst and hopefully give me back my life. As we talked over the issue at hand, I told him that everything just seemed so “hard”, that I was SO tired...
He cocked his head and looked at me over his glasses. “Well, you’ve got the equivalent to a baseball in your belly. I guess things do seem hard!”
Well, then. That explains everything!
You try carrying around a baseball for a while (not even in your belly). It’s annoying, it’s tiring and in my case, I cannot set it down or get away from it. Since it’s on an ovary, it is also messing up my hormone levels and interfering with my digestive system.
That’s why all the bending of picking and planting has been so difficult. That explains why nothing feels right and why I find myself sitting down so often. The chronic, inescapable pain makes it impossible to fully concentrate. It is understandable that I just don’t feel like doing anything. It should come as no surprise that I don’t seem to care about much.
But, help is in sight. I go in for surgery on November 10th. (I am counting down the days) In case you’re wondering…the bloodwork indicates that it is NOT “the big scary”. (yay for that)
For now, it’s all about enduring. Hanging in there until I can get resolution. Pushing forward though to the end of the season. Being positive about what we can get done. That may be a challenge.
I know, I know, recovery will be part of the deal, too…(but, after all this time, I figure it should be a piece of cake)
time to plant for green garlic in the Spring
|the hens started their annual garden clean-up|
|lambs racing to supper|
|picking green beans again|
I tell you this story not to garner your sympathy, or worry any of you. I'm not asking for help or advice. Although I wouldn’t be opposed to prayers for endurance. Six weeks seems like such a long time to wait. (but it’s nothing compared to how long this has already been)
I tell you this because I want you to know that if you think something is wrong with you…follow through on it. You’re probably right. If you ask enough people, you will surely find a solution.
You should also know that there are often things going on with others behind the scenes, beneath the surface, unbeknownst to anyone else…that have far-reaching effects.
And, maybe now our lettuce customers will have a little sympathy and realize that I’m not just slacking…and I do care about your lettuce. (just not this season)
Thanks for reading. Thanks for listening.
Hope you have a Happy Sunday!
Come back and “visit” us again real soon.